The things that make us Human and the demons within.
Why do we worry? Why do we stress? Why do we let the smallest things that happen to us make us fly off the handle?
I’ve known people in my life who are like this. People allow their emotions to control them. People who’ve surrendered to sorrow, anxiety, and depression. People who allow their minds to spiral into destructive waves of circular logic.
What causes this? Why do this happen?
Everyone has their reasons, family ife, abuse, loneliness. Some blame society. For some it’s larger, for some it’s smaller.
For some of us it it makes up a small part of our life. For some of us it completely overtakes our life and reduces the quality of our relationships, our emotions, and our mental and physical energy levels.
I can only relate to my own experiences concerning this matter. Those days where I walked in darkness, and the days where my vision was clouded by my own skewed self image.
Everything I mentioned used to be me. Raised in a household with a father who was short-tempered and mother whose expectations I never quite felt I could make. A child who was the butt-end of the jokes of his peers and subject to constantly bullying. A child who grew into a teenager who felt he was never good enough for anyone or who wouldn’t amount to anything.
Hardly the things you’d expect of a straight A student or who was the shining star of the school band. But in a socity where social image has become so important such trivial things like “grades” hardly matter when someone that age judges their own self worth.
I believe at those young ages it’s impossible for a child or youth to properly rationalize why the things happen to them happen. For those of us who were mentally abused, bullied, and never socially accepted it is difficult to know where to lay the blame. Thus many of this us at a young age squarely place this blame on ourselves. It may be no fault of our parents or our peers but it may be something that is “wrong” with us. The seeds of negative self-image planted, other emotions such as shame, loneliness, anxiety, worry, and depression begin to set in.
I remember days of feeling hopeless, tired, and sad. Days where I felt like I had no reason to live. Days where I wondered why my father yelled at me, why my peers wouldn’t accept me. And it wasn’t until later in life where I finally realized why this was happening.
Damaged youth grow into damaged adults. And the burdens I carried into adulthood nearly crippled me.
When I reflect on my University experiences now I realize how my “condition” had allowed me to waste many great opportunities. “The fresh” start for me turned out to be more of the same. In a welcoming environment where everyone was “new” and for the most part friendly I never took full advantage of all the opportunities it offered.
My first year I was still lost. The school piled and the frustration levels mounted. I had no support system there. Shame and anxiousness prevented me from seeking the help I so desperately needed. I’d been walking the same path I had before, as if my life had been a broken record stuck on the B side. I’d made friends but kept them distant. I’d turned down parties out of fear of not knowing anyone and being alone. I never joined any clubs and mostly kept to myself in my room. The fear that had been borne out of my youth had kept me from living a life worth living.
Fear is the demon that haunts us all. The fear of being different. The fear of rejection. The fear of the unknown. The fear of ourselves. When we dwell on such things it controls our actions and it controls our emotions. As the old star wars addage goes, fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. It leads to emotions like anger, makes us short-tempered. Makes us hide, reject or lash out at the people who care about us.
Fear makes us selfish, fear makes us hurt people.
And ultimately it makes us hurt ourselves.
This the life I lead.
Until one day I stepped into the light.